I love you, I love you, I love you so much said Naveen his emotions surging to his eyes with tears. Sheetal too felt being carried away or the expression fitted well “she was swiped off her feet”. Just two year down their life we could hear Naveen shout I hate you, I hate you, I hate you and this time the tears were in Sheetal’s eyes and she felt she had made the mistake of her life by marring Naveen, a common experience in a married couple’s life. We will try to understand what made Naveen and Sheetal to jump first ‘in Love’ and why now they are planning to jump off a cliff ‘out of love’.
Love has been a subject of poets and philosophers I do not intend to do both neither romanticize nor philosophize but take a look from a common mans perspective and the lessons we can learn. As per universal understanding Love is blind, love just happens there is no rational for falling in love. But fact’s are
a) Love is instilled in us it is deep rooted we seek to be loved and we in turn are programmed to love. I am yet to find one person who does not want love or will not love (except in mental asylums). Therefore we must understand that it is not because of somebody or something that we are in love it is because of who we are.
b) “Falling in love” takes place mostly due to family dynamics. All the case studies that I have seen and my experience has been that when there is no love within the family hunt for love begins. And the first boy or girl who gives me smile (Makes me smile), touch and listens (this is for girls) they fall for them. The boys on the other hand need someone who will look beautiful, touch make them feel special. Time
c) One special kind of love that I see more predominating in today’s society is Situational love. This kind of love is not because you love someone but this kind of love is because your friends push you into it. Most common of these are found in the schools, colleges any locality where a group if found. A girl or boy passes the group; the group finds an individual within the group and connects the boys or girls name. As time passes the individual in the group starts fantasizing and then feels he is in love.
d) Choosey love yes that what I love to call it. An individual or a couple loves the other individual because of some qualities in the other individual that attracts. For example “I liked Sheetal she was an angle before marriage could see her smile always. But now even her smile looks like a taunt. Naveen liked her for her smile and thought he was in love with her. Likewise there would be many other marks that you might like.
e) Love spells TIME for sure. You spend time with anyone for considerable time and you will end up liking them and then loving the individual. It starts with “Hi” then some “casual talk” “casual SMS’s, email” you like to spend time in each other’s company because you like those moments, you feel NICE you want to spend more time together and start looking for each other. Then you like to spend time alone as a couple then there is joking and harmless touching and before you know there is a kiss on the cheek, feels really good. Relationship goes to a higher level now ever meeting starts with kiss goes on to lip kiss and down the line get into physical relationship. This happens when you spend more and more time with the other person.
f) All the above love can be stated as superficial love because all of it may look like love (will have all the said ingredients of love films) but is not love. Like Naveen and Sheetal you might have reasons which led you to like and love someone. But read the sign for such kind of love has to die sooner or later it’s only a matter of time. Think for a moment, all those couple who stay together are happy while those who have divorced are sad? Today more families are living as divorced couples under one roof then separated. Will we not have a generation that will run for love?
So now we come to the hard question what can be said of true Love. How can I know I do not have the kind of love that has been already written?
a) Love has the quality of giving and giving up. My first counseling on love was a very hard one for I too had been in love during my college days. She was the perfect match, but off course from my angle. So I visited my mentor and had a chat with him. The first question was can you give her over? I said what? Why? And the answer was just right, because love is not owning or acquiring but letting go. Can your prayer be for her/ him “God let her get the best life partner? I commit her/ him into your hands? And if God thinks that it is you who will be best for her then? Well he smile and shoot another bullet. Then like Abraham in the bible when God asks him to sacrifice his son to him he goes ahead to sacrifice his only son who was born in his ripe age of 100, it should be like wise. Can you let her go? Difficult, impossible, terrifying? Yes but if you can then it will show that you love God more than that boy or girl. For loving anyone (every relationship included) or anything more than God is idolatry.
Interesting to note even God loved us so much that he gave us his only begotten son isn’t it, that’s what is written in the bible and God does not force his love on you or me.
b) Patience is another dimension of love. Most of us want to hurry with a relationship initially and then after two years of marriage we hardly speak most common words are what is there to speak we live to gather and know everything of each other. Even those who are not married and carry a relationship after few years stop talking either they end up the relationship of only end up in physical activities. For husbands and wives most important aspect will be, be patient with each other. Before marriage and even in the honeymoon period (Few days of marriage to two years) things go very smoothly we love each other and are ready to overlook many negatives of the person. After two years we hardly are able to see the positives of the other individual.
c) Be committed to the person and not to the feelings of love. Feelings have its own graph with its ups and downs. Think for a moment of your commitment to work in an office. You may not like your boss you may not like your assignment, may not feel like working, etc., but you have made a contract so you persistently do the work and try best not to disappoint your boss you also keep a smile intact. Marriage and love is more than a job though that too is a contract so how much more should we work in and on it. Even if your emotions give away remind yourself you have committed to love.
d) Love is hard work. It takes effort when your feelings die to love your husband or wife. You have to push yourself harder remind yourself I have committed to love him or her. Do things even if you do not feel love, help, lend hand and more so speak make it a habit and slowly ageing you will see love feelings appear. Love is tested best when you do not feel love anymore (so you think and feel) but you are ready to be persistent and not let go.
e) Love is, best for the other over your own good. If Christ had to think of his own good he would not die for us on the cross. But he thought best of us to lay down his life so we will repent for our sins and find forgiveness and reconciliation in Him. If I think and do what is best for my wife/ husband than why would she/ he not love me (irrespective of she/ he reciprocating in the same way).
I love you, I love you, I love you so much said Naveen his emotions surging to his eyes with tears. Sheetal too felt being carried away or the expression fitted well “she was swiped off her feet”. And then Naveen added but not as you feel…
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